How To Be Single
How To Be Single: The 101 Guide To A Healthy, Happy Time In Singledom
In this blog post I want to help you to understand that not only is being out of a relationship the best opportunity you will get to focus on the one you have with yourself, but that being single - happily single - is a cultural rebellion. Especially if you are a woman.
First of all we need to define what it means to be single. And as there are over 7 billion people on the planet, there are also over 7 billion ways to be single. For me being single means, very simply, not being involved with someone else; not being in a situationship/ exclusive relationship/ open relationship. Not even dating, because I take a very 'all in or all out' approach to relationships. That's just my definition, yours is probably different, but for me single time is me time - if the focus is off my relationship with me and instead on my relationship with someone else, I’m no longer single.
What does it mean to be happily single? For me, happily single means enjoying and find peace within the relationship I have with myself so much that I am not looking for someone else to act as the distraction. If an opportunity for a relationship with someone else arises where the partnership would enrich not only my life but also the relationship I have with myself than it's a hell yes. Anything less is a hell no. To be happily single you don't need to have completely ruled out all future possibility of a relationship, you merely need to find peace in the relationship you have with yourself.
Biologically, a single human, (again, especially a single woman) is a negative because that means not only are they not having kids but they're also not supported by a strong pack foundation. Historically to be single resulted in social isolation, economic fragility and being culturally ostricised. That was of course when the nuclear heterosexual family unit was enforced and individuals had few to no rights, freedoms or life options. We are now in the age of the individual - while this holds it's own problems it does offer a variety of options when it comes to life choices. One of these is to be single. Single without having to get married, reproduce, or be completely financially insolvent. There is of course still a massive stigma and social prejudice that surrounds being single, choosing to stay single and, (gods forbid) actually enjoying being single. But the stigmas and prejudices are significantly less than they used to be in so many countries across the globe. However there is still a huge amount of misunderstanding when it comes to individuals who are happy being single and not desperate to enter into a relationship with another person.
There are many reasons why someone may decide that they would rather remain single than enter into a relationship with another person. As someone who has spent a while happily single without actively looking for a relationship, I can attest to the simple but often overlooked reason that: being in a relationship with another person is a hell of a lot of effort that more often than not will result in heartache, disappointment and exhaustion.
I have loved and I have had my heart broken, many times, and it requires experience with both of those sensations to understand that relationships aren't tokens to be traded like poker chips. They are complicated manifestations of independent beings trying to find a middle ground because they believe that what they feel for each other is worth compromising the essence of themselves for. Relationships are more than a social status update.
So, if you don't know how to be single, here is my 101 guide. Don't worry, you won't need it for long, just make sure you fall in love with yourself before you give that love away to someone else.
01: TREAT YOURSELF AS YOU WOULD WANT YOUR DREAM PARTNER TO TREAT YOU
Society seems to view being single as two stereotypes: Bridget Jones or Gatsby. However there is a lesser known option...you put all of that energy, all of that time, all of that loving potential into yourself. Treat yourself, every single day, as you would want the partner of your dreams to treat you. Buy yourself gifts, take yourself out on a spontaneous trip, adopt a polar bear, try new hobbies, try every type of sex toy out there, talk to yourself kindly, go to new places, wear clothes that make you feel beautiful, compliment yourself. Give yourself everything you want from a partner because this is - ultimately - what you need the most from yourself, and doing this will only have a positive impact on the rest of your life. Not to mention future relationships.
02: BE INSPIRED BY INDIVIDUALS WHO CELEBRATE THEIR INDEPENDENCE
The best way to not feel inferior in your singledom next to peopleyou know in relationships is to be inspired by other singles. Go through the content you consume from who you are following on social media, to the books on your shelves, tothemusiconyourplaylists, to the movies you watch, the magazines you browse and the blogs you read. Fill your life with people who enjoy their independence, individuals whose entire identity doesn't revolve around their relationship. Fill your life with content that gives you ideas on how you want to be single, content that makes you excited about all the places life could take you, all the options that are now open to you without the need to compromise with someone else on your dreams.
03: IMPROVE YOURSELF FOR YOURSELF BY YOURSELF
There is a quote, don't ask me who it's by: 'we accept the love we think we deserve'. It was one people said to me when I was newly single a few years ago. And it basically means that until you love yourself, you will believe that you deserve that bare minimum because that is all you give yourself, all you allow yourself to recieve. So while you are single it is a great time to work on yourself. Improve how you view yourself, understand how you view the world, where do you stand on topics that mean a lot to you, what are your hobbies/interests/career ambitions? Who is the best version of you? Now's the time to discover everything you never knew about who you are as an individual, and ensure that you are getting the best from life by giving it to yourself.
04: CREATE AIMS FOR THE FUTURE THAT DON'T REQUIRE A PARTNER
Not a popular one, but one that I believe everyone should consider. The joy of being single in this day and age is that to live a full life, you don't strictly need a partner. You can make your own money from a career you choose, you can own your own space, travel solo to new places, adopt/foster a kid or have the help of a donor etc. part of the problem people have with being single is that they feel they won't be able to secure those socially important milestones without a partner. The secret to being happily single is having a plan for your future taht doesn't include a partner and yet it still makes you feel fulfilled with everything you want from life.
05: BELIEVE IN LOVE
A side effect of being single in a world that doesn't really value singledom is feeling embittered towards people who are in relationships as well as hating all signs of love in general. We've all been there. We've all glared at teens kissing on a park bench, sent curses to wedding cars, thrown insults at our favourite tv couples, sworn that love is stupid etc etc. The honest, and hardest truth to being happily single, is that you have to be happy for people in relationships. Be happy that they ahve someone who loves them - and believe, (if you want to) that one day you will have that too. Singledom is not the absence of love, it is the epitome of 'I love you but I love me more' by the one and only Samantha in Sex and the City. You love the idea of love, you love the idea of having a partner, but you love yourself more than you love the idea of being in a relationship for the sake of it.
I hope you've enjoyed this article, I enjoyed writing it! If you're on the road of self-love and looking for a bit of a helping hand, you can get One Stept the SOLEMNIKO self-love workbook via this link.
Don't compromise on your dreams just to be able to say you achieved somebody else's x